How Oneonta Can Survive the Zombie Apocolypse
Sure, you and I are prepared for a zombie apocalypse for some time now, but how come the government is still ignoring this possible threat? This is no more -- the Center for Disease Control and Prevention is now aware and actively preparing for a possible zombie apocalypse. Be prepared -- this article could save your life.
Vermin Supreme promised the only zombie preparedness plan of any presidential candidate, but sadly it seems he won't be able to bring us this security. Other government groups are taking over, though a bit shaky at first, they're doing the job we all want done. The CDC zombie preparedness page gives some tips, and shows they aren't ignorant to the overshadowing threat we all know is in our future.
Unfortunately, they seem to be simply attracting attention with the zombie claims in order to educate young people on other natural disasters, but they still haven't failed. Though they seem to joke about this obvious threat, they do give a lot of help and awareness to the anti-zombie cause. But the threat is more real than they think.
If you're still reading this article and haven't become utterly convinced of the realness of this threat, I'll have to explain a few things. You know how a dog with rabies is, right? What if there was some sort of rabies that makes humans 10 times worse than that rabid squirrel you just ran over in your car. It's a little harder to run over a city full of much smarter, bigger and more dangerous rabid humans trying to eat you. If you still don't believe me, you should've seen the zombie I saw just yesterday right in Wilbur Park.
This city of Oneonta needs to get on this right away. We have a much better chance of survival -- escape into the rural areas around is much easier than it would be from New York City or Binghamton. We grow our own food supply in the farms around Otsego County. Our less populated South-side has plenty of resources as well as quick access.
As prepared as we concerned citizens can be, the City of Oneonta needs to make a public contingency plan. We can't have everyone getting into a looting brawl at Wal-Mart all at once only to be slaughtered by the incoming undead army. We need to split the city into districts with our own supply sources and dedicated transportation. Designated OPT buses can be armed by the nearby police station and quickly move to give their pre-picked citizens a lift.
Though the primary goal is to escape into the surrounding rural, safe areas by motor vehicle, backup plans must be made. The safest footpaths should be picked out for each household and work area into the less populated parks. Group meeting areas should be picked to prepare for the longer treks away from the city. The safest place for a group of people would be on Goodyear lake, or another large body of water.
A last plan for those stuck in the city would be to barricade themselves into a fortress. The best spot within downtown Oneonta is the Oneonta Teen Center (AKA the Oneonta Armory). That thing is a fortress already. Two doors are above ground level and can have their staircases taken apart and made into barricades. The other door is thick metal. All of the first floor windows are heavily barred, and the thick walls are made of stone. There's even a balcony you can drop things on the zeds from. The huge building could fit plenty of people and supplies, and the location makes for quick and successful raiding expeditions.
After reading all that, you must be wondering why only a few little known government agencies are taking on this problem. You're probably calling up your congressmen right now. Hey, why not the President? Though I'm sure he already has legions of secret service and FBI working on it already, top secretly. This is an incredible problem that needs an incredible solution, so be zombie prepared now!